.Version 1.0, 20 June 2025 (cover photo credit).
This effort was occasioned by the remorseless efficiency of a single sentence from an anonymous writer (trust me: you’d be, too) in an information release that came my way a few months ago.
“Enjoy crafted cocktails and a curated wine selection at the In Confidence speakeasy at Hotel Fort Des Moines.”
Knitting needles, meet eyeballs. Allow me to translate this pile of steaming dreck:
“I’ve no desire whatever to drink cocktails or wine at a delusional and otherwise purely pedestrian Des Moines hotel bar.”
Meanwhile, The Devil’s Dictionary is a “satirical dictionary written by American journalist Ambrose Bierce, consisting of common words followed by humorous and satirical definitions,” dating to 125 years ago or thereabouts. It originally was called A Cynic’s Word Book.
Whether they’re over-used, badly-used or merely used-and-abused, these are the words and terms deserving of satire in food and drink. I’ll provide periodic updates, and suggestions are welcome.
—
!!! … when used as default punctuation, exclamation marks inform the reader that someone pretending to write doesn’t know how to use words properly.
Cold or ice cold … comforting temperature reassurance for those who are terrified of beer flavor, and the only universally allowable adjective for Americans to use with the noun “beer,” as if “cold” is the only directive standing between their carbonated pet shampoo and obligatory microwaving.
Creators … in terms of social media content, human beings who are blissfully unaware that they are about to be replaced by AI; see “when everyone’s a creator, absolutely no one creates.”
Crispy Boi … slang term for a well-attenuated, perhaps even “crushable” pilsner, which might actually be pleasant in spite of “crispy” being numbly overused and “boi” misspelled, except the effect is ruined by the imminent threat of Rice Crispy Boi.
Crushable … overused to reassure beer drinkers that any annoying beer-like character has been expunged to facilitate volume swallowing, as opposed to drinking.
Curated … suggesting “intelligent design” stemming from genuine expertise, but almost always meaning “our 25-year-old bar manager threw darts at a wholesaler list while blindfolded.”
Dive bar … “dive” is an honorific denoting respect, esteem and appreciation, as bestowed on a bar by its clientele who are congratulating the bar for refraining from handcrafted premium VIP luxury. Use of “dive” as a self-descriptive marketing term negates its accuracy, and probably also means they clean the toilets on a regular basis.
Elevated … in contrast to subterranean; raised to a higher...Read more
